I just read in my devotion this morning words from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
You know it completely, O LORD
When I posted last night, boy did the fears arise as I felt so vulnerable and not sure who is going to read. Its a part of me, but then I realized it's not just my story it's the Lords also. He has written it and I'm just sharing it as an example of God's love and He can restore anything. When I read Pslam 139 this morning it was a reassurance that God wants us to share in order to transform others... He knows what I'm going to say even before I do. He knows my pain deep into my soul and my pain can help others. He doesn't want us to close off, He wants to use us for His good. When we close off we are letting wounds fester and thinking we can handle things without His help. This is when the enemy can really get a foothold... when you are in hiding of what's inside your heart. I encourage you to take that leap of faith and share your heart/story so GOD can us it... you will be surprised the transformation it can do.
The continued story.... Scott and I were driving to say goodbye to my father and to find my mother. I wasn't sure the state of mind I would find her. My father was EVERYTHING to her. He took care of her the best he could and loved her with all his heart. I had seen my father a few times throughout the years but It had been 8 years since I had seen my mother. Even though it had been so long we had a bond... a mother and daughter bond. No one knows her in this world like I do, even though she is the one that kicked me out of the house at 13 years old... again another story for another time. I've seen throughout the years her mind growing sick. It scared me to think what she might of done after finding out my father passed away. I was preparing myself for the worst... that she could have taken her life. My neighbor had told us that she had been missing and the hospital had been trying to get a hold of her to give her his things and to see what she wanted to do with his body. My heart was prepared... We picked up my aunt (mom's sister) at the airport and headed to her house. Honestly we just didn't know what to expect... we were so nervous! I was shaking like a leaf. We pulled into the driveway, the house was completely dark and some windows were open... we knocked at the door... no-one, we walked around the house and knocked on windows... no-one, we said her name over and over... I said "MOM" no one... my heart sunk into my stomach... I felt sick. We walked in an unlocked door still calling for her. The house was trashed... stuff was everywhere. It was very clear that she was very mentally sick. The walls and furniture were colored with multiple paint colors, magazine clippings were everywhere on the walls, hundreds of pictures of strangers, the VCR was in the stove, all her bills were in her freezer, bugs and garbage was everywhere... it was a mess, no words can really describe what I saw. It looked just like Russell Crowe's place in A Beautiful Mind.
Then my aunt heard her, oh I was scared... she was in my childhood bedroom, naked on the floor of the closet. I was still scared but I took a deep breath of relief as I knew she was alive. My aunt went into "save my big sister mode", she was so strong. My mom's nervous laugh started which always made me nervous as it meant she wasn't making sense. I think I was in shock that I don't remember much but my aunt did ask her if she knew my dad had passed away and she said "I thought so". My mom finds a purple trench coat that she had painted and only puts it on. She gets into the car with my aunt while Scott is waiting around the corner in our car and picks me up. I get into the car emotionally exhausted, shocked at what I had just seen and thinking I don't think she ate anything for the entire month he had been gone. She was frail and the thinest I had ever seen her. Her mind was gone and just so lost. We headed to a hotel for the night where we would sleep. I feel like I'm in a really weird dream and I can't wake up. Scott gets to meet my mom for the 1st time, I introduce them and tell her we are engaged and she said she knew. Then she began to talk about the strip clubs across the street from the hotel. I'm thinking "Welcome to the family Scott, poor guy didn't know what he signed up for" I looked at her lost mind and felt so sad for her... it wasn't her fault. The Lord had given me compassion for her instead of embarrassment. My eyes had never been so swollen, my mind and heart hurt so badly but I prayed and God gave me strength as I tried to get sleep that night.
My dad's brother and sister came into town the next morning... ready to help me with the funeral arrangements. His body was still at the hospital waiting, I had to decide what to do as my mother didn't want anything to do with it and being the only child it was all in my hands. My attention was directed towards my dad as I knew my mom was in my aunt's care. I needed to morn and grieve my father being gone. I had no idea what to do or where to begin. The first call was to the hospital where he had passed away. We needed to go to the morgue to get his belongs. I kept asking God where should I bury him? I have no idea his wishes? Every time I felt weak I would say Lord give me strength. We piled in the car and headed that way. A wave of emotion would come over me thinking oh I wish my dad had met Scott and knew I was finally taken care of. I wanted to share with him that I was engaged... something that I think is so special between a daughter and their dad. I knew this was going to be hard not knowing what belongings he might have had, let alone going to a morgue thinking that is where he is... it was eerie. What was in his wallet and pockets was the exact closure I needed... God knew what I needed and answered my prayers.
To be continued ....
Open yourself fully to My transforming presence. Let My brilliant love-light search out and destroy hidden fears. This process requires time alone with Me, as My love soaks into your innermost being. Enjoy My Perfect love which expels every trace of fear.
Psalm 139:1-4
1 O LORD, You have searched me
and You know me.
and You know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
You know it completely, O LORD
When I posted last night, boy did the fears arise as I felt so vulnerable and not sure who is going to read. Its a part of me, but then I realized it's not just my story it's the Lords also. He has written it and I'm just sharing it as an example of God's love and He can restore anything. When I read Pslam 139 this morning it was a reassurance that God wants us to share in order to transform others... He knows what I'm going to say even before I do. He knows my pain deep into my soul and my pain can help others. He doesn't want us to close off, He wants to use us for His good. When we close off we are letting wounds fester and thinking we can handle things without His help. This is when the enemy can really get a foothold... when you are in hiding of what's inside your heart. I encourage you to take that leap of faith and share your heart/story so GOD can us it... you will be surprised the transformation it can do.
The continued story.... Scott and I were driving to say goodbye to my father and to find my mother. I wasn't sure the state of mind I would find her. My father was EVERYTHING to her. He took care of her the best he could and loved her with all his heart. I had seen my father a few times throughout the years but It had been 8 years since I had seen my mother. Even though it had been so long we had a bond... a mother and daughter bond. No one knows her in this world like I do, even though she is the one that kicked me out of the house at 13 years old... again another story for another time. I've seen throughout the years her mind growing sick. It scared me to think what she might of done after finding out my father passed away. I was preparing myself for the worst... that she could have taken her life. My neighbor had told us that she had been missing and the hospital had been trying to get a hold of her to give her his things and to see what she wanted to do with his body. My heart was prepared... We picked up my aunt (mom's sister) at the airport and headed to her house. Honestly we just didn't know what to expect... we were so nervous! I was shaking like a leaf. We pulled into the driveway, the house was completely dark and some windows were open... we knocked at the door... no-one, we walked around the house and knocked on windows... no-one, we said her name over and over... I said "MOM" no one... my heart sunk into my stomach... I felt sick. We walked in an unlocked door still calling for her. The house was trashed... stuff was everywhere. It was very clear that she was very mentally sick. The walls and furniture were colored with multiple paint colors, magazine clippings were everywhere on the walls, hundreds of pictures of strangers, the VCR was in the stove, all her bills were in her freezer, bugs and garbage was everywhere... it was a mess, no words can really describe what I saw. It looked just like Russell Crowe's place in A Beautiful Mind.
Then my aunt heard her, oh I was scared... she was in my childhood bedroom, naked on the floor of the closet. I was still scared but I took a deep breath of relief as I knew she was alive. My aunt went into "save my big sister mode", she was so strong. My mom's nervous laugh started which always made me nervous as it meant she wasn't making sense. I think I was in shock that I don't remember much but my aunt did ask her if she knew my dad had passed away and she said "I thought so". My mom finds a purple trench coat that she had painted and only puts it on. She gets into the car with my aunt while Scott is waiting around the corner in our car and picks me up. I get into the car emotionally exhausted, shocked at what I had just seen and thinking I don't think she ate anything for the entire month he had been gone. She was frail and the thinest I had ever seen her. Her mind was gone and just so lost. We headed to a hotel for the night where we would sleep. I feel like I'm in a really weird dream and I can't wake up. Scott gets to meet my mom for the 1st time, I introduce them and tell her we are engaged and she said she knew. Then she began to talk about the strip clubs across the street from the hotel. I'm thinking "Welcome to the family Scott, poor guy didn't know what he signed up for" I looked at her lost mind and felt so sad for her... it wasn't her fault. The Lord had given me compassion for her instead of embarrassment. My eyes had never been so swollen, my mind and heart hurt so badly but I prayed and God gave me strength as I tried to get sleep that night.
My dad's brother and sister came into town the next morning... ready to help me with the funeral arrangements. His body was still at the hospital waiting, I had to decide what to do as my mother didn't want anything to do with it and being the only child it was all in my hands. My attention was directed towards my dad as I knew my mom was in my aunt's care. I needed to morn and grieve my father being gone. I had no idea what to do or where to begin. The first call was to the hospital where he had passed away. We needed to go to the morgue to get his belongs. I kept asking God where should I bury him? I have no idea his wishes? Every time I felt weak I would say Lord give me strength. We piled in the car and headed that way. A wave of emotion would come over me thinking oh I wish my dad had met Scott and knew I was finally taken care of. I wanted to share with him that I was engaged... something that I think is so special between a daughter and their dad. I knew this was going to be hard not knowing what belongings he might have had, let alone going to a morgue thinking that is where he is... it was eerie. What was in his wallet and pockets was the exact closure I needed... God knew what I needed and answered my prayers.
To be continued ....
3 comments:
oh, my goodness...I'm so glad you are sharing this...I wish I could share my story with you some day...thanks for being open with this..and I can't wait for the next post, kristi
You are so brave to so publically share such a heartbreaking story. I know that others will be blessed by you opening your heart up. Philipipians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I am so blessed by your friedship and thankful that God crossed our paths.
Jessica
Thank you for sharing and rejoice in knowing who many people you will touch with your story.
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