Love

Jonas and my relationship is renewed, revived, refreshed, whatever you want to call it. We have had a new beginning between the two of us.  Maybe Jonas wasn't even aware it was gone because I was good at faking it. But to be honest our relationship had struggled once Kate was born... we struggled with a combination of a new baby and toddlerhood with a little boy needing full attention and  a feeding around the clock baby girl. The division had started, Jonas and Scott were on the same team inseparable where I was constantly attending to baby Kate. It was hard for me to let go of Jonas and watch the Boys with there priceless bond .  Yes, even hitting the jealous nerve every once in while with me thinking "Jonas doesn't ever want me"... granted I was a hormonal women just had given birth, but still I feel like I was failing him as a mom. He only wanted Daddy to put him to bed, only laughed at daddy jokes or went to Daddy when he was hurt, screaming for daddy when he was in timeout. Daddy was the hero!  I thought " I want that!"
Finally this last month without Jonas' choice he had to rely on me more as Scott was away for 3 weeks in Jan. and I fought  hard for our relationship.. trying to cuddle, reading more, listening more, and especially having more patience!  Doing it even when I didn't want to or have time or energy to, I knew it was important for us! I prayed and hoped it was working!

I have a special thing with the kids that I say in my excited voice  "Guess what Jonas?"  and I keep repeating it until they respond and then I say "I love you!"  I might do this once a day, the kids love it and do it back to me but never Jonas ...he would only say "Guess what?" and I would say "Ya Jonas" and he would just laugh and never say I love you in return and that was OK. Until one day I was in a mad dash running late to get somewhere, being frustrated I'm late.  I throw all the kids in the car and all the stuff that goes along with them. Finally getting in the car all the while the kids are loud and flustered too. I was driving and Jonas  for the hundredth time was saying "mommy! mommy!" loudly and I turned snapped "WHAT JONAS?" and he said "Guess what?" "Guess What?" I was not in the mood for his funny game of going silent when I asked him "what?" But he did it anyways and said " I LOVE YOU! in the sweetest voice... my eyes teared up ... and melted my heart... he said it for the first time! This was just a few weeks ago, after that our relationship was in fast forward of restoring.
After this weekend I realized it's all about Jesus and the love he has for us, it's to be channeled through us to our children.  Just like Jonas for some reason in the middle of that crazy moment he finally found it as a comfortable time to tell me he loves me ...maybe because he had been feeling me trying so hard to persue him. Maybe he knew that is exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. Just as God showed up for me this weekend it was exactly what I needed to hear... more than anything God loves me even when I fail over and over again as a mom/wife.  Just as God persues me all the time and I'm easily distracted, I struggle with feeling his love for me . At the retreat, it was loud and clear that no one else on this earth loves me more than God! Really I have heard it before a thousand times, but this last weekend it was etched into my heart forever! I felt special and chosen... like every word was just directed just for me to hear and no one else. There is just such strength and honor in that! I also learned that our children need to be raised feeling the same way, that no one else in this world loves them more than God! What a powerful statement as they can only be truly filled up by God. I pray I can see my children as God sees them and help them be reminded of the love that their creator has for them is like no other! Thank you Lord for the love you have given me even when failing you miserably you help me pick up the pieces to move forward.

  

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